The start...

I thought about using this blog as an outlet for myself, and for the greater good of those around me and for the few that happen to stumble upon this I decided not to. but then I thought about it more, and I decided that I will just use it as I please. The chances of getting a huge following are slim and I need a place to hash out my feelings. I have always wanted to have a journal, a diary if you must but my lack of beautiful handwriting has always been an issue. For some reason I have it planted in my head that someone will one day find said journal/diary and see how bad of penmanship I have.

So here I am, about to put it all out there. I am in a very odd mood as I sit here at work. I should be happy. over joyed even. My cousin, who was raised as more of a brother, just became a father. He is 10 days exactly past his 21st birthday. I am happy for him. I just can't help but feel jealous. I feel as people who are not ready to be parents always are. I feel like people who want children so badly never get the chance to be parents. I am not saying he is going to be a bad parents, I am saying that he could have been in a better situation in life. I not only have feelings like this toward his situation, but to anyone's.

People abandon their children, abuse them, disregard them, yet there are countless people who would do anything in the world to have a child. Is it normal to feel this way? To want something so badly, even though you have been told countless times that it will never happen.

I don't feel human when I think about it. What kind of woman cannot make a life. Isn't that one of the best things about being a woman? To be able to create a life, to grow and human.

My husband tells me there is always adoption, and I am totally for it. I don't know, I just don't understand. I have always been one of those people that if I wanted something bad enough, I worked hard and got it. If I wanted to buy something, I saved, if I wanted a raise, I busted my ass at work and earned it. To have something dangled in your face like this is like something saying "haha, no matter what, you can't have me!!"

Parents please remember to cherish every moment with your child, stay home when they cry for you not to go, play when they ask you to, talk to them when they cry. For every tantrum or fight you get into and wish you never had them, remember there are people who sell their soul to be able to be a part of a child's life. I want so badly to scream "Why me?", but I know deep down buried in the bottom of my heart that everything happens for a reason. It's hard to look at things from that perspective at times.

I don't want anyone to think I hate my cousin, I do not and never will. I simply hope he knows how precious his son is, and will take the time to be the best dad he can.

Benjamin David Brown

3lbs 2oz, 17in long  01/30/2013   12:48 am